I had thought of writing down quite a few things during my trip to Delhi (and beyond). As fate would have it, lack of internet connection and a jam-packed itinerary ensured that I do it nearly 4 days later. I had almost thought I had made peace with my inner self during the journey. Well, that is not to be the case and the words that follow are coming out extempore (oh and I have made some grammatical corrections in the review) and is a dialogue between Me and I.
For the first time in many years I actually "listen"ed to someone talk. Not just one, but two from the opposite sex. Well, that was something new for me. The point being that, for the first time in quite a long time, it made perfect sense for me to listen to these two voices as somehow they reminded me of a part of myself. And I think I acted upon most of what was being told to me. Deep inside, I was trying to tell myself that the thoughts and ideas I am having over the past few months were never a facade and I am honestly being practical and logical. But now I feel like I am trying to run away from the inner demons that were being chained for quite some time. And this has made me feel more insecure than I was before. Surely, I don't need a shrink but what I would like at this juncture is a full-time engagement in something I love and create something tangible. I know my health has gone for a toss due to some recent exertions, but these aren't non-manageable. I really miss those PSO days when I would have been anxiously in front of the screen to see whether a transactions has gone through fine, or when I was looking at serious fire fighting and anxiously testing out the fixes. It all seems like just yesterday.
I always believed in my gut feelings or intuitions and whenever I hear the conspiracy theorists shelling out their fairy tales, I really would laugh out loud after a pause. Yes they do sell me their story for a second, but after that pause the "rational I" takes over. For the records, I still look at horoscope columns from Peter Vidal that comes in express. But 5 minutes after I read it and go into a dreamy land, I come back to Mother Earth with both my feet on ground and proceed with the daily life I should be having. The gut feeling that I have in each of these cases is the same. The moment I start believing in whatever is being said, there is 0% chance...oh no no no...absolutely no way that any of what I dreamt of becomes true. I am assuming that all these leads to one among the two conclusions. Either I find it hard to move on and be an adult or I have never come out of that Never Land and faced the world directly on its face. Whatever be the root cause, it tells me that I have to grow much more as a person.
The greatest drawback of knowing it as a fact is that, now I know that I need my own help and support to overcome this transitional phase. After all, I never listen to anyone chalk out my own way for everything. There is absolutely nothing wrong in being childish at times, but what I should realize is that there is life in front of me waiting to unfurl itself and the opportunities and choices that it brings with it is too good to be lost in inaction. Yes, there might be hiccups on the way but I should take it as a lesson for me not to over-indulge myself. Perhaps this is that perfect time to start myself on that perfect Tee which will help me to be on-par in each course.
P.S.: The title came to me as a random flash as I was looking to culminate this with a sweeping stroke.
For the first time in many years I actually "listen"ed to someone talk. Not just one, but two from the opposite sex. Well, that was something new for me. The point being that, for the first time in quite a long time, it made perfect sense for me to listen to these two voices as somehow they reminded me of a part of myself. And I think I acted upon most of what was being told to me. Deep inside, I was trying to tell myself that the thoughts and ideas I am having over the past few months were never a facade and I am honestly being practical and logical. But now I feel like I am trying to run away from the inner demons that were being chained for quite some time. And this has made me feel more insecure than I was before. Surely, I don't need a shrink but what I would like at this juncture is a full-time engagement in something I love and create something tangible. I know my health has gone for a toss due to some recent exertions, but these aren't non-manageable. I really miss those PSO days when I would have been anxiously in front of the screen to see whether a transactions has gone through fine, or when I was looking at serious fire fighting and anxiously testing out the fixes. It all seems like just yesterday.
I always believed in my gut feelings or intuitions and whenever I hear the conspiracy theorists shelling out their fairy tales, I really would laugh out loud after a pause. Yes they do sell me their story for a second, but after that pause the "rational I" takes over. For the records, I still look at horoscope columns from Peter Vidal that comes in express. But 5 minutes after I read it and go into a dreamy land, I come back to Mother Earth with both my feet on ground and proceed with the daily life I should be having. The gut feeling that I have in each of these cases is the same. The moment I start believing in whatever is being said, there is 0% chance...oh no no no...absolutely no way that any of what I dreamt of becomes true. I am assuming that all these leads to one among the two conclusions. Either I find it hard to move on and be an adult or I have never come out of that Never Land and faced the world directly on its face. Whatever be the root cause, it tells me that I have to grow much more as a person.
The greatest drawback of knowing it as a fact is that, now I know that I need my own help and support to overcome this transitional phase. After all, I never listen to anyone chalk out my own way for everything. There is absolutely nothing wrong in being childish at times, but what I should realize is that there is life in front of me waiting to unfurl itself and the opportunities and choices that it brings with it is too good to be lost in inaction. Yes, there might be hiccups on the way but I should take it as a lesson for me not to over-indulge myself. Perhaps this is that perfect time to start myself on that perfect Tee which will help me to be on-par in each course.
P.S.: The title came to me as a random flash as I was looking to culminate this with a sweeping stroke.
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