At this very instant I am supposed to :
a) Start looking at writing my seminar with the revisions that my guide mentioned
or
b) Complete the report for my course project.
But instead I have logged into blogger and am currently typing all these nonsense. Across the past two weeks, I have been experiencing some difficult experiences which has made me think more deeply into the question - Who am I? And this is an honest attempt to look at the various layers that make me.
At the surface layer, a normal research scholar at a prestigious institute in India living on a monthly stipend and looking at issues related to technology in education. Also the eldest son in the family who quit his job to pursue what people think are his interests. And someone whom his teachers think of as a capable student, close friends think of as a jovial and lazy person and many others think of as an obnoxious snob. At certain difficult times he could be the man for your job and always tries to use his connections to get things done. Oh and he procrastinates a lot, may be due to his disinterest.
Now moving on another layer, you find a completely confused individual who is not sure where he is headed, what he should do and why should he do it? If ever there was something that was his true passion then that would have been .... ahmmm... well... hmmm.. well thats what I said - Utterly confused. Oh yeah and you can add another person who dreams of being powerful by being in the shadows. The kind of guys you find only in movies, who knows it all, but never shows in public. The slight difference will be in the last part, which means that if he knows something you can be pretty sure that you will come to know of it within a few seconds (The motor-mouth type). Oh and he dreams of flaunting this like the snob that was discussed earlier. Big and hard words always give him the kick, and he never stops looking at avenues to use them.
Now lets move on to another layer, in this you can find an individual with some values, who never wants to hurt others nor quarrel with any who think of this world as one big fairy tale where your honesty and values get rewarded at one point or another. He is afraid of disturbing the equilibrium of the universe with his spontaneous actions and is never sure on anything. He tries to reason out his doings only after a long time and most of the damage gets done by then. He has some taste in arts and music but that can never be compared with the purists, which unfortunately is what he always wishes for. He also has a talent at grasping things quickly from half-facts but never tried to utilize it to his benefit. Due to all these, he is afraid of long-term commitments and dread the opposite sex when it comes to matters of relationships and life.
If we move onto another layer, you can find an individual who likes to get diverse experiences, likes to read and philosophize, enjoy playing games and more importantly like to live in the present and dream of the future. He tries to be overtly self-critical that sometimes he misses the overall picture. There are a set of things written on rock within this layer which cannot be messed with, by anyone.
Now all these are the layers which are known to me, but I have an intuition that there are some more even beyond this. Unfortunately, even I am not aware of it and have never tried to analyze it. Rather the complex web of images created by the initial layers have never allowed me to do it. With a decent 4-5 years with me for an intense soul-searching, I am pretty sure I can plunge into that unknown. May be this will be a journey that I would like to take on my own, without even looking for dependencies or help at the other end. But what I would definitely like is to have some one knowledgeable push me onto that deepest end so that I can plummet into the depth without being afraid.
I am pretty happy now, knowing very well that I have screwed my project and seminar, as I have hit upon something more meaningful and precious. It may sound weird for others and some may say that I am mad. But they do not understand the pleasure that I get out of these ramblings as I am pretty sure that there is no one (except me) who read it. After all for them too the question still is "Who am I?"
a) Start looking at writing my seminar with the revisions that my guide mentioned
or
b) Complete the report for my course project.
But instead I have logged into blogger and am currently typing all these nonsense. Across the past two weeks, I have been experiencing some difficult experiences which has made me think more deeply into the question - Who am I? And this is an honest attempt to look at the various layers that make me.
At the surface layer, a normal research scholar at a prestigious institute in India living on a monthly stipend and looking at issues related to technology in education. Also the eldest son in the family who quit his job to pursue what people think are his interests. And someone whom his teachers think of as a capable student, close friends think of as a jovial and lazy person and many others think of as an obnoxious snob. At certain difficult times he could be the man for your job and always tries to use his connections to get things done. Oh and he procrastinates a lot, may be due to his disinterest.
Now moving on another layer, you find a completely confused individual who is not sure where he is headed, what he should do and why should he do it? If ever there was something that was his true passion then that would have been .... ahmmm... well... hmmm.. well thats what I said - Utterly confused. Oh yeah and you can add another person who dreams of being powerful by being in the shadows. The kind of guys you find only in movies, who knows it all, but never shows in public. The slight difference will be in the last part, which means that if he knows something you can be pretty sure that you will come to know of it within a few seconds (The motor-mouth type). Oh and he dreams of flaunting this like the snob that was discussed earlier. Big and hard words always give him the kick, and he never stops looking at avenues to use them.
Now lets move on to another layer, in this you can find an individual with some values, who never wants to hurt others nor quarrel with any who think of this world as one big fairy tale where your honesty and values get rewarded at one point or another. He is afraid of disturbing the equilibrium of the universe with his spontaneous actions and is never sure on anything. He tries to reason out his doings only after a long time and most of the damage gets done by then. He has some taste in arts and music but that can never be compared with the purists, which unfortunately is what he always wishes for. He also has a talent at grasping things quickly from half-facts but never tried to utilize it to his benefit. Due to all these, he is afraid of long-term commitments and dread the opposite sex when it comes to matters of relationships and life.
If we move onto another layer, you can find an individual who likes to get diverse experiences, likes to read and philosophize, enjoy playing games and more importantly like to live in the present and dream of the future. He tries to be overtly self-critical that sometimes he misses the overall picture. There are a set of things written on rock within this layer which cannot be messed with, by anyone.
Now all these are the layers which are known to me, but I have an intuition that there are some more even beyond this. Unfortunately, even I am not aware of it and have never tried to analyze it. Rather the complex web of images created by the initial layers have never allowed me to do it. With a decent 4-5 years with me for an intense soul-searching, I am pretty sure I can plunge into that unknown. May be this will be a journey that I would like to take on my own, without even looking for dependencies or help at the other end. But what I would definitely like is to have some one knowledgeable push me onto that deepest end so that I can plummet into the depth without being afraid.
I am pretty happy now, knowing very well that I have screwed my project and seminar, as I have hit upon something more meaningful and precious. It may sound weird for others and some may say that I am mad. But they do not understand the pleasure that I get out of these ramblings as I am pretty sure that there is no one (except me) who read it. After all for them too the question still is "Who am I?"
2 comments:
I think we have all felt like this at some point! You should continue your blog because after all, "how do you know what you think until you try and say it?"
Best wishes
Chris
Hi Chris,
First of all a Big Thank You for reading through it entirely. Really Appreciate it.
Yes, I do think its a bit of muddled up situation right now and whenever I write I feel a lot relieved. So I am sure to update this section quite often.
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