I barely recall what happened today. The victory in Utkarsh was slowly sinking down and I find myself explaining the Bamboo house details to everyone. Amidst all the cheer, the grim reality that the department agenda and students mindset are miles apart gives me greater pain. I was feeling like I was standing bare naked amongst the public, fully aware of my nudity. And I feel good that I went for GC cricket practice. Taking my mind away from all these feelings seemed so essential. Starting to play after such a long time wasn't easy either. Ball was just not hitting the right length initially. Daily practice is what is required now.
Today is the day that I have to send an abstract to NC on my second stage project. I haven't fully decided on the nature of my project. Hence it becomes even more tricky. A lot of my ambitions on taking up a PhD will depend on how exactly I do my research in the coming 5 months. If I get a substantial input which can aid in the area of ET, it would be a great boost for my ambitions. Some of the preliminary work that has to be done in this direction is looking at the subject which I want to concentrate. Unlike last time, I should spend my time judiciously to look at critical issues on the deployment side and simultaneously increase the basics for research like statistics and fundamental science. A little bit of Computer coding knowledge would be an added advantage as that would provide a basis for my case.
I was feeling proud of myself for resisting temptation to drink even when all others were having their fair share for the evening party. And as it was pointed out first, this was the first time that all 11 of us went together for a party outside. The allegiance problems were clearly visible throughout, however, I am assuming that on the whole everyone enjoyed the outing. Now a similar one might happen only when we are about to pass out [Hopefully].
The nature of discussions were also getting pretty serious as the evening progressed and I feel bit ashamed at letting things slip slightly towards the end. I think it was partly due to those two engagement news one after the other. Something really bad is happening in my mind on hearing such piece of news, otherwise there is no point for such reactions. I still think that this is not the right time to put myself in the relationship bracket as I still am unsure of the things that future has in store for me. The next trip to my house will bring clarity in some of these and hence I am positively delaying it for some more time.
It is now 18 months since I reached here. And still I dont feel that I am that old inside the campus. This is what people mean when they say that time flies. I never felt like this during my B.Tech or employment days.The good company that I had over here may be an additional reason for all these. With majority of them gone after six months I am feeling insecure in continuing my research inside IIT. There are these mental conflicts and comfort zones that are created within my mind which is forcing me to stutter at each and every point. There is no visible solution for this problem as of now. I am hoping that the work in the coming days will automatically show me the direction to tide over all these.
At the end of the day - I feel really happy even amidst all these confusions.
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